Breaking Free from the Good Mom Myth in 2 Simple Steps

Society has a loooooot of ideas on how things should go. I tend to disagree with most of them, eschewing the modern ideals in favor of my own natural rhythms. This has led me to breaking down a number of common myths and examining if they are actually good and good for me. 

Today’s myth: What it means to be a good mom. 

There are a lot of facets to this myth.

A good mom always puts her kids first. 
A good mom loves every moment of motherhood. 
A good mom doesn’t need a break. 
A good mom can handle everything on her own. 
And
If you’re struggling, you’re just not doing it right. 

[insert annoying gameshow buzzer sound here]

Wrong answer.

The perpetuation of these myths fosters a ton of guilt and shame in moms, who feel as if they’re failing if they so much experience frustration. Never taking a break leads to burnout and leaves no time for a personal identity. It keeps moms from truly connecting with one another, hiding behind the mask of “perfection” for fear of judgment. But if you’re still not convinced, it also sets a horrible example for the next generation of boys and girls on the unrealistic standards mothers should be held to. 

So, what does it mean to be a good mom?

For me, it’s two very simple things: my kids need to be safe, and they need to feel loved. If I’m doing those two things, I’m doing a good job. Sure - it’s great if the house is clean and the cookies are baked and we read 5 bedtime stories a night… but realistically, that is too high of a standard for me to maintain daily. The house is sort of clean most days, oreo’s are cookies too, and we do our best at bedtime just to keep the monkeys in the zoo, you know? 

The point is, I have set my own standard for what it means to be a good mom for what makes sense to, works for, and fulfills me. The first step in breaking free of the good mom myth is deciding what a good mom means to you. 

I caution you against writing a laundry list here or setting the bar too high. Really think about what your kids need each day, and keep it simple and attainable. Most days, I land somewhere far above my bar. But others, I’m barely scraping by. You want something that represents your best effort on your worst day. Once you’ve got that defined, drop all external definitions. You have your own ideal identified now, and that becomes the only goal. Release yourself from other expectations with the assurance that you are living as an aligned mom and doing right by you. 

The second step is to start taking care of yourself. I’m not sure when society relegated moms to second class citizens, but screw that. We matter, too. In fact, I would argue that sometimes, my needs matter more. As the driving force behind our families, we need to be well-rested, self-assured, emotionally stable, and- like a boy scout- always prepared for any curveball the day may throw our way. 

Martyring yourself for your children isn’t going to earn you any merit badges. Showing up present, patient, and fulfilled is going to get you a lot further than dragging yourself into each day exhausted, overwhelmed, and resentful. But when I’m talking about self-care, I mean so much more than bubble baths and face masks (although those can be good, too). I mean take care of yourself. Love yourself. Be confident, chase your dreams, be kind to yourself and forgive your mistakes.

Model for your kids what balance looks like. Let them see that motherhood is hard, and you can do hard things. Ask for help when you need it. Stop swooping in every time your child has a problem with the solution, and instead teach them to be a problem-solver for themselves. Not only does this save you from mental gymnastics each day, but it also allows them to become fully-functioning, self-reliant, responsible members of society. And isn’t that kind of the end goal anyway?

Demonstrating for your children a healthy, balanced, boundaries mom gives them a much better blueprint to follow as they grow older in life. By stepping back from the good mom myth, you’re able to show up with more presence and energy. You teach your children independence, and model self-worth. You are better able to foster connection and let go of stress, guilt, and unrealistic expectations. 

But - maybe most importantly - you’ll be able to enjoy motherhood more. You’ll finally be living it on your terms, feeling accomplished and satisfied with the job you’re doing each day. And that alone is reason enough to stop being a good mom. It just may allow you to be a great one instead.