Express Your Needs Without Nagging
It’s Marriage Stereotype No. 17, right before No. 18 (Happy couples never fight) and after No. 16 (Marriage means the death of romance).
No. 17: Wives will nag.
Though we - the wives in question - start out with the very best of intentions, there eventually seems to come a time when we just can’t quite help ourselves and we push the line a bit too far. And when that unholy label eventually finds its way to us, it stings.
Nobody wants to nag. So why does it happen?
Nagging is simply a symptom; a signal that there is something larger is off in the relationship. Let’s take a look at these symptoms and attack the root of the problem so we can nip nagging in the bud - for good.
Feeling unheard, unsupported, and harboring unspoken resentment
People may take to nagging when they feel unheard. The thinking is that if I say it enough times, maybe I will finally get through. But feeling unheard rarely has to do with the physical act of hearing. It’s more about the expectation that comes from expressing a need to your partner. If you ask your partner to do something, and they don’t follow through, it can leave you feeling dismissed, leading to a cycle where you feel compelled to“remind” them of upcoming events or responsibilities. Feeling unsupported in these basic needs is a breeding ground for resentment.
Try this instead:
Express the emotional impact
When your partner seems to be ignoring your requests for help, it isn’t necessarily out of lack of caring for you. Frankly, they may just not care about the task as much as you do. You can create buy-in by expressing the emotional impact, ie the why of why this is important to you. It can feel vulnerable, but getting vulnerable is an important part of building a bridge. Also, once you express why it matters to you, it’s easier to endear the task to also matter to your partner… even if it’s simply because of their love for you, and not - say- taking out the garbage.
Struggling to communicate effectively
Another cycle that leads to nagging is poor communication. I know you’ve heard it before, but communication really is at the root of a good marriage - and it’s the number one thing tripping my clients up in theirs. Leaving certain tasks up in the air just creates confusion and ambiguity. And if the responsibility isn’t clear, then the default partner (which is traditionally the wife, thereby contributing to the stereotype), is the one to step in and pick up the slack.
Try this instead:
Set clear agreements, not just requests
“Let’s decide that if I cook, you handle the kitchen clean-up after dinner.” Coming to an agreement assures that everyone is on the same page about what needs to be done and exactly whose responsibility it is. You may need to get granular: “Kitchen clean-up means the dishes are done with the dishwasher running, the counters have been wiped, and the floors swept.” Be as clear and direct as you can be, and don’t get upset if your partner has questions or doesn’t do it exactly as you would. Any effort should be acknowledged and rewarded in an effort to foster good will.
Imbalance in the partnership
When one person feels overwhelmed or that they’re carrying more than their fair share, nagging may be a way of raising the flag that they need help. When you’re overwhelmed and stressed, you’re hardly at your best and able to clear communicate your needs. Establishing a partnership that is more equally split ensures that the heavy weight of responsibilities doesn’t lead you to driving your partner away.
Try this instead:
Build collaboration
It is tempting to attack when you are hurt by your partner’s perceived lack of caring, but this is the moment instead to build a bridge. You need to make it about teamwork, not criticism. Everyone is busy, but you need to be in it together or it can tear you apart. Have open conversations about teamwork, workload, and expectations to ensure you can both see and better appreciate what each partner is bringing to the table.
I hope it’s obvious by now, but the key to stop nagging isn’t to keep your mouth shut. It’s about using your words to be more vulnerable with your partner, asking for help, explaining your need, recognizing their efforts, and pulling together. Your needs matter, and your words have impact. Let them serve your goals and not just your frustrations, and you’ll be well on your way to clearer communication and a more collaborative partnership.