Why Moms Resent Their Husbands & How to Fix it
The kids are screaming, the kitchen’s a mess, you’ve got your hands full - and there’s your husband. Your supposed partner. Sitting on the couch, feet up, scrolling his phone as if he were alone in the room.
You try staring daggers at him, hoping the heat from your eyes alone will be enough for him to wake up and realize you need help. If he doesn’t get off his butt in two seconds and be a participating member of this family, you are really going to lose it.
Wow… down girl. Deep breaths. First off - you are not alone! About ⅔ of couples experience a decrease in relationship satisfaction after having kids. And before we all just say let’s stop having kids, maybe there’s more to the story than that.
The fact is, having kids vastly changes the relationship dynamic, and most relationships aren’t prepared to handle this shift. While we stock up on diapers and decorate the nursery, the assumption is that your romantic relationship is solid and doesn’t need your focus right now. And I hope it is solid… but that doesn’t mean things don’t change. Maybe it’s the postpartum season that’s challenging, or later on down the road as the kids get a bit older, or perhaps things just haven’t been the same ever since you had kids - no matter the struggle, I’ve got some solutions that may help.
An unequal load
Traditionally, moms are the default parent, meaning they carry the bulk of the mental load. As you have more kids and they get older and have more needs, this load gets heavier and heavier. While your husband seems to be gliding along, you may be exhausting yourself trying to carry it all. You miss the partnership of the early days and feeling like a seen equal. You miss your own free time, and seethe with jealousy at the way he sets his schedule so unbothered by the family plans.
Solution: You know that heavy load you’re carrying? Put it down.
It’s time to re-divide the lines of who does what around the house. The fact is, having a family is work, and it’s work that should be shared by all members of the family. Having a frank conversation about the tasks at hand allows everyone to have a much clearer idea of everything that needs to be done and exactly what they are responsible for.
But be prepared. The hard truth of most marriages that are imbalanced is that it’s working for the partner who is doing less. Appealing to your partner through love and detailing the kind of relationship you want to have builds common ground, and from there you’ll have a much easier time handing over chores that they had been getting out of before.
Another pro tip: When they come back with their list of things that they do take care of, don’t argue. Appreciate. Everyone wants to feel seen in their efforts, and if you want your partner to see you, you need to work on seeing them as well. Express your gratitude as often as you think to. A simple thank you does wonders to bring a couple closer.
Shifting priorities and unspoken expectations
Another reason couples fall out of step after kids is the constant change. As seasons change, so do the household tasks, and many couples simply march blindly forward. If you’re expecting your husband to rake up the leaves in the fall, but you haven’t told him that and he hasn’t agreed, what you’re really expecting is for your husband to be a mindreader. Kids get older, routines shift regularly, and the needs of the family will evolve. But don’t get frustrated - change is good; it keeps you from getting stagnant and too entrenched in your roles.
Solution: Talk it out.
As things move for you, they move for your partner, too. The only way to ensure everyone is feeling balanced and appreciated is to talk it out. When a new task arises, that’s your signal for a conversation to be had. Even if it’s just “Joey now has soccer practice Tuesday afternoons. I’ll need to take him and pick him up, and it’ll take about 1.5 hours each time.” This simple exchange allows your partner to better understand the flow of the family and the demands on your time, which in turn can foster greater appreciation for your contributions.
Emotional connection and physical intimacy
Let’s be clear: when a woman becomes a mom, her personal identity is entirely altered. The woman she was disappears, and it takes time - A LOT of time - for her to find her way back to herself. With this huge identity shift comes a shift on how she feels about herself and how she feels in her own body. Many moms are touched out, exhausted, and struggling to put it all into words. This leaves husbands on the outside, unable to understand the internal transformation that a mom is going through.
Resentment is a two-way street. While the mom is processing all her new changes internally and often silently, her partner is unclear about why the dynamic has changed. He may grow resentful if he feels ignored or nagged. And because this shift can take years for a woman to go through, that ends up being a huge amount of time for a dividing gulf to form between them and their partner.
Solution: Start with the emotions and the intimacy will follow
When is comes to repairing the connection in a marriage, you have to start with the emotions. If one or both partners feels emotionally abandoned or misunderstood, the physical intimacy will suffer. Do your best to process your emotions outloud and express how you’re feeling, even if you’re still making sense of it. Inviting your partner in instead of keeping them on the outs allows healing to take place. And focusing on showing up as an equal, loving, and understanding partner means the physical intimacy will follow.
As a team, you both have to recognize that your relationship is a living thing under your care, just like your children. Simply because you’ve always had a good relationship doesn’t mean you always will. You have to nurture it and take care of it and make it a priority. When resentment has crept in, you have to protect the partnership. You have to ensure you’re working as a team and not pitted against each other. A lot of the resentment in relationships comes from what is left unspoken - unspoken expectations, unspoken acknowledgments, and unspoken love. So start talking, start sharing, and start seeing each other for the equal and loving partner you fell in love with.
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