Stop Seeking Validation & Trust Yourself Again
My mom was visiting a few weeks ago and happened to see I was reading a book by one of her favorite authors. While we both love reading, we don’t often choose the same books so it instantly made her excited..
“Oh!” She exclaimed with a smile. “I love this author! Sometimes I’ll even re-read her books just to get lost in it again.”
I was only ¼ of the way through the book and didn’t have much to say about it yet, but promised to let her know what I thought when I had finished it. So a few days later, I called her up with my report.
“Meh.
“It’s just not for me. While she’s a good writer, she’s not a good storyteller. The blurb didn’t match what actually happens in the story, and her character development is kind of shallow so I didn’t really care what happened to them. And then the ending felt a bit rushed.”
I expected my mom to reply something along the lines of “Well, I liked it.” This is a well-established author, with a huge list of bestsellers that I had seen my mom read for years. In fact, I had only picked this book up from the library because I recognized the cover as one she had read before and decided to give it a shot.
Instead she replied, “Oh yeah - well, that one’s not her best. I would have told you to read this one instead. Except, I don’t think that one has a great story either. In fact, I don’t really read her anymore. I feel like she’s trying too hard now and not as good as she used to be.”
My heart sunk as she continued to backtrack. I thought back to her smile the moment she had seen the book on the arm of my sofa; she was so excited. So happy to remember a good story she had once spent hours immersing herself in. And now she was throwing this author under the bus, washing her hands of something that brought her genuine joy simply because my response was “Meh.”
Why do we do this? Why do women feel the need to justify their likes and dislikes, shaving away parts of themselves to fit the mold? Why, as a universal gender identity, do we value traits like meekness, kindness, humility, and likeability? Traits that on their worst day present as submissiveness, people-pleasing, making ourselves small, and bending to conform to others?
The answer: past conditioning, fear of rejection, low self-trust. Like most stereotypes, these traits do not magically appear. The unfortunate combination of how women are presented to us in popular books, movies, and other media, alongside societal norms and our own experiences in the world is the perfect storm to create generations of women who keep themselves small to help others feel more comfortable.
But living small has real consequences; by dimming your light so others can shine, you end up sacrificing your own happiness, living an unfulfilling and often fear-driven life, settling for less than you deserve and feeling overlooked. You bury your own wants and needs, and the more you turn away from them, the less you can trust your own intuition calling out to you. This leaves you feeling directionless and unsure, and the easiest way out seems to be to continue to rely on the directions and feedback of others. In reality, doing so just leaves you spinning in circles, growing evermore frustrated and resentful.
Yikes.
Luckily, you can at any moment decide to break the cycle and sidestep all that messy emotional turmoil.
If you’re ready to give up the chase for external validation and focus on your personal satisfaction instead, you can avoid all that pain, fear, and resentment. It’s not easy to break these lifelong habits, but here’s where you may want to start learning to trust yourself again.
1 Set internal boundaries with external input
Some boundaries need to be stated out loud to be supported. Others need simply to be upheld in our own minds. When we talk about an internal boundary in this case, I mean setting up a boundary within yourself to not seek advice or external input for every decision. Practicing making decisions on your own may be uncomfortable at first, but if you’re going to learn to trust your own voice, you first need to stop listening to others.
You may make mistakes, and that’s ok. Mistakes are part of growth. And it’s far better to make our own genuine mistakes than to make the mistakes of others (putting us back in resentment territory).
2 Detach your self worth from others’ approval
You matter. You are important. You are worthy. You are enough.
Change the you’s above to “I,” and you’ve got your new mantra. Practice saying it any time you may need to: as an affirmation in the morning, before having a tough conversation, or after you receive negative feedback. Any time you feel yourself beginning to shrink to fit into a box built by someone else, fight back with your mantra. And remember, your worth is not conditional on a dang thing you do (or don’t do) in the eyes of someone else. You have inherent, unchangeable worth.
3 Daily check-in to tune into your own desires and opinions
As you begin this new habit, it’s vitally important to reassert your commitment to hearing your own voice regularly. It’s not just going to start shouting at you simply because you say “I’m ready.” You have to actively seek it out by asking yourself probing questions.
The truth is, you’ve likely been ignoring your own voice so long that it has given up trying to guide you. Pausing before taking action to ask yourself “What do I think? What feels right for me?” gives space for your intuition to speak up. It breaks the habit of acting in alignment with external validation and allows you to proactively choose a course of action that is in better alignment with your authentic self. This is a crucial step in learning to trust yourself again.
4 Stop over-apologzing and justifying yourself
As a woman, every time you say sorry - even those flippant little sorries that you don’t think you mean - every time, you are signaling to yourself that you did something wrong. This erodes your confidence in yourself. And if you’re not confident in yourself, you’re certainly not going to trust yourself.
The same goes for justifying yourself. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. The very idea that you need to explain or back yourself up denotes a lack of trust in your own opinions, thoughts, and feelings. Simply stand firm in your actions and be confident in who you are.
External validation will ensure you live a life that satisfies others. If you want to live a life that satisfies yourself, you have to trust yourself enough to take the first step. Turn inward, take action, and know that you can do this.
Not sure where to get started? Try my group course, A Beginner’s Guide to Intentional Living.